ravenstears

the cause of many scars

2006-10-13T19:23:00.000-07:00

Anorexia

2006-09-24T19:54:00.002-07:00

Her seduction
Unlike any other
Never will I find an other lover
Who gets as close as you

Thin, fine, veins
Blue rivers cold
Bone fingers grip
Waste which weighs much more

And oh
The very name
Is sharp as its result

Tempted tongue
But pay no mind
For in the end
There is

Grey matter lost
But no matter gained
Velveteen I have become
Hope for nothing more to remain

-

2006-09-20T19:35:00.000-07:00

2006-09-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

My mom...I miss her

From my diary...

2006-08-31T22:47:00.000-07:00

So 21 days ago I woke up at 11:00 feeling ill and in a bad, off put mood.

I had strange dark dreams that left me feeling disturbed. I dreamt that I was on a boat trying to get to an island but it was dark and stormy and everything felt strange. The boat would get to one spot and come to a sudden halt. Back up and take back off in a panic.

Then I was on a smaller device rushing to the same place as a bunch of other people on other smaller devices.

Paul was worried about me. He said he could tell something was wrong right away.

He spent the day trying to make me feel better.

We sat on the computer and looked up wedding dresses and other things which cheered me up a bit. He leaned over me and we started kissing.

I heard my mom laugh and tell us to stop it because we were so cute and she was jealous. She said she wanted to keep him. We smiled and laughed.

A few minutes later she walked by singing, feeling pretty good that day. I smiled and randomly said “Mom I love you”

She said I love you too, that means a lot.

Paul and I walked back to my room and we enjoyed our selves for a while.

I was worried that she heard so after words I listen to hear her talking on the phone like normal. She walked onto the deck and watered the flowers.

About ten minutes latter Paul got up to take a shower and I jumped on the computer.
Miles ran in with his leash dragging. I looked at him and he looked at me and I asked him where mom was and took off his leash. He just ran a way and laid down.

I sat back down on the computer only to have Tucker come over and lay down as a siren reached my ears.
“Oh Tucker I know you can hear that…Why aren’t you howling?” as he always howls with sirens.

Then I felt sick

I ran outside to see an ambulance pulling up. Then I asked a young firemen what happened. He looked at me nervously and said there was a hit and run.

I felt dizzy and almost passed out.

I knew it was my mom.

I walked down the road to see her body lifted into the ambulance and my uncle holding my grandma by the side of the road balwing.

“What happened?”

“Oh hunny…” my grandma fell into my arms “Your mom was hit by a car….”

“Is she ok?”

“No…she was breathing but I don’t think….”

“Oh grandma…it will be ok”

“No it won’t hunny…”

“I know, I mean eventually”

I walked back into the house as Paul was walking out. He asked what happened and I told him.

“Is she ok?

“No…”

“Are you Ok?”

“No…but its everyone else I’m worried about. She was only 98 pounds…she can’t live through that. Its everyone who
is left behind I’m worried about”

Jessica (my other sister) told me she saw what happend. She said she heard a noise and looked. The car had stopped...then backed up...then took off.

Just like the boat in my dream

I made phone calls to the rest of the family and then Paul drove my grandma and I to the hospital.
Jeremy walked up slowly and then broke down shaking his head. He said “I’m sorry”

My grandma fell apart.

I just stood there.

We all sat down and a nurse came in and asked if we wanted to see her.

No one but my grandma wanted to so I walked her in.

My dad was there and he was crying.

He held me for a second and I stared at her.

She was badly beaten and still. Her face was split and bleeding in two places all the way up and down.

I just sighed.

We walked back as more people showed up and broke down at my feet.

We left and sat around. The police came and gave me all her jewelry.

And I came home with Paul to an empty house.

I had checked the messages before I saw her in the road. The phone accidentally recorded the last conversation she had. She had been talking to my Aunt Kelly. They were supposed to meet at my grandma’s house so they could all pick flowers and talk with each other.

She was walking to pick flowers. She had been feeling so much better the last few days…

My body shook in the way it only does when my heart is being broken…only this time a little more hollow feeling…as
I’ve said I’ve already been through the most painful thing in my life.

Paul held me and looked terrified. “You keep shaking…I’ve never felt you tremble like this. Its like little seizures. I really don’t know what to do with you…I could handle crying…but your not. I hope you know I’m not going to be this calm when my mom dies…”

Amanda and Jake brought me funny magazines and doughnuts at like 12:30 that night. So nice of them…

Everyone has been amazing really…

But we eventually went to sleep. When I woke a ton of people were here and everyone started helping us clean. Our house is actually getting spotless for once, which is nice.

Days passed and we had to post pone the funeral until Marne could come home. She was throwing up for the last 2 weeks non-stop and was in the hospital. She came home and we all went to the funeral.

It was rather nice, other than me wanting to kill my sister in law it was all in all rather beautiful.

I wanted to kill my sister in law because the moment Paul and I walked in she told me I needed a bra on and my dress was inappropriate and then she told Paul to cover up his necklace because it had a skull on it.

I told her mom would want us to be comfortable and to back off.

I wanted to tell her to leave us the hell alone and that it was MY mom’s funeral, not hers. so I can do what ever I want
and be comfortable as I wanted.

But I was nice.

They did a fairly good job on her face, seeing as she had so much damage….and they dressed her in the clothes I
picked out.

Her pink jacket and velvet pants that she looked beautiful in.

My sister finally looked at the body and fell apart. I knew to leave her alone but my sister in law pulled me, physically up there even though I protested. I knew it wouldn’t be pretty if I walked up there right then.

And it wasn’t

My sister was so mean to me. She was like “Casey, that’s our MOM! That’s our fucking mom right there! Drop the act and be fucking human ok?”

I walked away

Just because I don’t cry doesn’t mean this doesn’t hurt. Both my dad and my sister were horrible the entire time.
But everyone was there. Through out the day over 800 people came and went.
When I called AK to tell him he got the message in the middle of work and started to cry in front of everyone.

So sweet…

Tori pointed out the fact that AK and Paul look and act a lot alike which made it a little awkward for me. But AK smiled and told Paul they’d have to switch places.

Paul said “Thank you Tori for being the 9th person to point that out to me…”

Rather funny really

Amanda even said “Its weird…like you knew who you were meant for but they were so much a like you went with the wrong one at first…”

I was amazed. I’d wondered that for a long long time..

But now everything is pretty much the same…Well for me anyways.

The rest of the family is falling apart.

I’ve been taking care of both my mom and I on my own for so long that it feels the same…The only frustrating this is that I miss her and I keep thinking of things I want to tell her about. Or ask her…And the books we never finished and the movies she never had time for.

Just frustrating.

And it bothers me that she wont physically be at my wedding or see my children…

That part really bothers Paul.

AK feels so guilty about not coming to visit her like he said he was going to…

I don’t know…It sort of pisses me off that I’m still just a kid and that I’m on my own…I mean I have been for a long time but now I don’t even have her to come home and be like “So this person looked at me today” or “Oooo let me read this book to you” or “I don’t know what to do….”

Now its just my dad and I. And he is just as mean and even more emotionally unstable than before. I don’t know what to say to him and he’s trying to control things more and more…

And I can’t move out now because I can’t leave him alone…

I need a kitten

-

2006-08-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

My mother died 2 weeks ago...

2006-07-24T17:43:00.001-07:00

touch

2006-07-24T17:43:00.000-07:00

forest path

2006-07-24T17:42:00.001-07:00

dance

2006-07-24T17:42:00.000-07:00

reach

2006-07-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

color

Life is about...

2006-07-17T14:25:00.000-07:00

Living life is about splashing through a puddle in your path. Its about dancing in the down poor and kissing the raindrops…because your first love’s song said to

Life is about running bare foot through a field pretending to be anything but humanIts about singing with the wolves in the middle of the night …and watching fireflies to remind you of the preciousness of life

Life is about wearing bright pink and singing at the top of your lungsIts about road trips and pools of water left there by the tears of the sky…and letting your own fall to mix with them

2006-06-30T21:01:00.001-07:00

delicate trust...on both sides

2006-06-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

depths

2006-06-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

part of our worlds

-

2006-06-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

I'm only 17...

I shouldn't be this tired of life...

2006-05-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

a childhood fear

-

2006-05-30T10:12:00.000-07:00

And the small white knuckles parted her dark hair
Like so many beads of rain down the window
And I believe they would part the melted sand too
If they could

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2006-05-26T01:22:00.001-07:00

Liquid

2006-05-26T01:22:00.000-07:00

Absence

2006-05-26T01:20:00.000-07:00

Preformers

Hall

2006-05-26T01:19:00.000-07:00

Shawls hang in place of curtains in the way of broken windows

Shedding out darkness

But doing nothing to keep in the light

Flavor of gingerbread children still thick on my tongue, long taste buds cling to every last scrap of you.

You my yellow brick road to some false idol that I tango towards, some how unashamed of the tears on my jeans in such an elegant place.

Paranoid creations solidified and destructive on a level creating lies to save yourself from past mistakes.

Nervous shuffling of feet, inpatient in the lack of intellectual stimuli. Yes the heart can hallucinate when starved of all connections and life can fade away when we no long entangle our selves.

In a world where we are afraid of touch and glance and words. Where cockroach and cockerel become roach and rooster because we cannot bring ourselves to say “cock”

Orange rain clouds may only be hers but my cupid bow lips get to lose them selves in the shadows that nestle in the hallows of his cheeks…as if in love with them.

A shattered manubrium would break my entire comic book papered ribs so entangled that perhaps, one day, feathers will sprout from my angel bones and I will finally travel

That five inch hall

2006-05-16T02:45:00.000-07:00

his

2006-05-16T02:43:00.000-07:00

lily white matricide...from your vicious words...it doesn�t leave a scratch, there for no ones hurt

2006-05-16T02:42:00.001-07:00

held captive in a dark cold place...

2006-05-16T02:42:00.000-07:00

Friend's home

2006-05-16T02:41:00.000-07:00

strange

2006-05-12T02:22:00.000-07:00

Asylum

Raw

2006-05-12T02:20:00.000-07:00

Today everyone seems small, from the perspective of the floor that is.

Hunger is scraping out my esophagus in it’s old familiar way. Old addictions tap on my shoulder to say hello.

And I am tempted to welcome them with warm open arms.

But I seem to still have a life to live, and the only way to do that looks to be with my nerve endings open and bare faced to the world.

Which is apparently a proverbial “Hey I’m a sitting duck sign”

Way to attack raw tissue

It’s the only way to live.

.

2006-05-11T15:57:00.000-07:00

Noose from my third suicide attemp still hanging...from when I was 7 years old

2006-05-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

Chaos of a high school hallway...

Buttons

2006-05-03T14:02:00.000-07:00

The soft tap, clapping of six dollar slides against my heals is soothing to the point of making me resentful of the requirement of returning to my seat.

Her quick, bitter, over zealous anger aches dully, faintly, in my chest as I pretend not to understand that it is jealousy that drives her anger…and above all else fear.

And then we play pretend.

“And what would you name it?” he asks in his acting voice. Playing out this “reality” all too close to my sitcom.

Her name would be Rain I believe.

I cannot wait to be free from here, forceful loss of control makes me hunger for the destruction of me, in effort of course, to save myself.

And the reflex in the back of my throat, now encased in glass, is the giant red button reading “DO-NOT-PUSH”

And we all know what that does to you…

2006-04-23T06:55:00.000-07:00

That means some pain awoke inside me...and I mute, etched it onto my skin

Unexpecting

2006-04-21T03:16:00.000-07:00

What to do what to do

I teeter on the edge of something much larger than myself that threatens to swell me up in every way and each action will be a choice of fate…

Sometimes life drops a boulder or a tadpole on your stomach when you least expect it and you have to find time to cry and struggle and accept…

I have no answers

2006-04-19T02:18:00.000-07:00

silver stands

2006-04-19T02:16:00.000-07:00

small-ish friend

Drip

2006-04-14T02:02:00.001-07:00

This is the sound
Of the snap
And the break
Of the light
Giving way to the dark
Lost grip
Of your hand
On the shards
Of the night
In the nothingness
Of the space
That echoes the thought
Of the bleach in your hand
That you tip in the tea
That drips from the lips
Of the silence
In me

2006-04-14T02:02:00.000-07:00

soft

2006-04-14T02:00:00.000-07:00

and I am finally seeing...

Skeletons

2006-04-11T17:08:00.000-07:00

There is something that separates like an old woman among a play ground of children. Deeply touched and hardened and some how envious of the mistakes innocence allows.

I want to bleed here. My own blood, but all that comes out is stolen and I find myself jealous of the classroom skeletons and the slowness of time.

You, you my dear are my fattening ecstasy, my impish grin, my light rice paper sheet that I must tread softly on. For you, you give me my weight.

But he, he takes it away to the soft smothering slow downfall of himself. I am the ice cube needing to loose just a bit and he is my willing titanic.

But I know that you think we are not fated things and your fear of uncontrolled hope…

One day you will be brave enough to not only look…

But see

2006-04-11T17:07:00.000-07:00

home...

2006-04-11T17:06:00.000-07:00

my kingdom

2006-04-07T07:04:00.000-07:00

this...is my home

Tangled

2006-04-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

What is life with out getting tangled up in its webs?

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.

2006-04-05T08:18:00.000-07:00

place of dream

2006-04-05T08:17:00.000-07:00

old one

Cheshire Cat Smile

2006-03-12T09:19:00.000-08:00

A monster is stirring, clutching at my ribs and tugging on my heart strings. Demons from my past, staring over my shoulders, making me feel rude for ignoring them. I must remember they are trying to kill me and that I have a life to live.

These human bodies are losing they’re sustenance, they’re weight. Gravity does not let them encompass me anymore. None of it seems as solid as it should.

I trip and I stumble along this jagged way, please do not try and follow my path, for yours will always differ from mine. I will fall through mirrors you avoided and you will tumble down rabbit holes I missed.

Do not search me for direction for I am walking blindly. I have no clarifications for you, for I will pose more questions than I have answers to.

I feel detached but I don’t mind. I only want to drift in an out of conciseness for a wile. I want to collapse under this weight; I need only a little more until I accomplish that.

2006-03-04T21:05:00.000-08:00

snowflake

2006-02-20T18:08:00.000-08:00

burning

2006-02-17T13:27:00.000-08:00

spilling some red in the sink...

sanity

2006-02-02T04:16:00.000-08:00

I hear the song before its played and some how it all keeps up in time and my mouth fills with blood as the voice in my head smiles and says I’m fine and I spit into the sink, looking up in surprise to find the smile really is only in my mind and tears are filling up my eyes.

For them

2006-01-24T03:51:00.000-08:00

Step with me
Tear down the walls
Within your conscience

So I can lead
And follow
Past this pain of souls

They can take
And keep they’re secrets
Deepness of words
And life
And loss
Of life

For each of them
Clears the walls

2006-01-23T02:55:00.001-08:00

the closest thing I have to rain...

2006-01-23T02:55:00.000-08:00

strands

2006-01-22T10:46:00.000-08:00

the criminal

2006-01-20T13:15:00.000-08:00

sleep

Every once in a wile

2006-01-19T03:29:00.000-08:00

Ravens lay curled like sleeping cats in my lap
My hammock sways in snow
I moved to glass to push the possessed out

Foot prints turn to paw prints
Waistless dancers combre
Dark feathers for hair in twisted buns
Much tidier than her fur

I kneel beside my friends in R.E.M.
Who pluck my silver strands
In hopes more will come instead
To line the nest
Of those who live in murder

2006-01-16T17:19:00.000-08:00

Ironic...

2006-01-16T17:17:00.000-08:00

-

2006-01-16T02:04:00.000-08:00

I killed myself today
It was an accident my dear
She tells me in my head
A bottle of bleach where the salt should be
Really it’s a silly thing

2006-01-15T15:20:00.000-08:00

A gift from Tori...thank you dear

2006-01-12T15:03:00.001-08:00

luminous

2006-01-11T14:07:00.000-08:00

silver water

2006-01-07T12:24:00.000-08:00

ribs

Walls

2006-01-07T12:22:00.000-08:00

Step with me

Tear down the walls
With in your conscience
So I can lead
And follow
Past this pain of souls

They can take
And keep they’re secrets
Deepness of words
And life and loss
Of life

For each of them
Clear the walls

2006-01-02T20:44:00.000-08:00

Decisive moment

2006-01-02T20:43:00.000-08:00

rape

2006-01-02T20:41:00.000-08:00

wrist

2006

2006-01-02T20:39:00.000-08:00

Happy new year

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2006-01-02T20:34:00.000-08:00

New years cheers

2005-12-29T21:28:00.000-08:00

2005-12-29T21:27:00.000-08:00

tears and wine glasses

not mine

2005-12-29T21:25:00.000-08:00

my candle is burning to its end and the wax has spilled over the lists that I’ve made to save myself from dreaming. and this pen is too messy and my life is too messy and the genuine chaos of my existence spills from me the way i wake up in the middle of my visionary r.e.m. drowning in my own overheated pool of utter exhaustion.

and i remember the way the woods smell and how the hundred year old spruce sang to me as she lay down to sleep finally and poetically
and my very own personal venus loves to laugh at the ways i shrink, corner, clothe, swear off, must stop. while the elders are circling in the old tribal dance our eyes reel with the pulse and the fire.

and i love the cruelty of it and i cherish the real. the blood and the viscera and the broken machine that is human confusion and anger and terror and blood curdling love smear across my stomach, my thigh, the air.

blood moth fly into the the flames where there should have been moonlight as i watch their small death gritting my teeth. and sighing.

the way darkness touches nakedness so many little breaths wet flinging hair. for once i am the artist and you are the poet and we forget to drop our breadcrumbs in the forest and we run without regard for all the ways we sold our children short.

my muse is laughing and yours may crack a smile but they remember not to forget us and we fall together to the ends of our beginning from the storm to only breathing. from flight to only softly touching. be sure my soul hasn't yet left the skin.

now you are off to your always dreamless sleep and i am nursing a candle with my sleepless dreams. golden brown of my sometimes irish hair and small hands in a field far away from the sun but still drenched in it. blue temple onion dome of the Russian Orthodox church. how those gold stars flaked and
sparkled and fell away.

like the yellow grass seed i blew from my palm wishing someday I might be beautiful...

-

2005-12-29T20:16:00.000-08:00

Passion chokes the flower'til she cries no more
possessing all the beauty
hungry still for more

2005-12-29T20:13:00.000-08:00

looking for comfort

2005-12-29T20:12:00.000-08:00

in the dark

With out regret

2005-12-27T09:13:00.000-08:00

Maybe I’ve been fooling myself when I say that I’ve tried to change, maybe this is the only way I know how to be.

I don’t believe in good and evil people, I don’t believe extremes and exist in anything with out its opposite. I no longer believe that anything lasts forever in this life. But it’s not the way it sounds.

My mind used to push that reality away for fear of losing these things, these people around me. But I’ve come to realize everything is a cycle, so when things end it only gives them a chance to begin again.

People tell me I’ve changed, I want to believe them. I suppose in some ways I have changed, or else I would not be here today. I would not have survived on the road I was on. But yet I know at my core, those things that threatened to destroy me are not at all gone, only more balanced.

Sometimes I tire of this balancing act. The pulls of life and death in me are not subtle, but extreme. I must work every day to keep the destruction in check, or else lose myself in the pull of Loki. Sometimes I wish I could throw myself into the violent extremes inside me. I attempted to once, and I know I would not survive it again.

Yet sometimes I find myself resentful of this line I must walk, that is so much thinner than most. Resentful of the calm with in me that just cannot seem to be touched.

But I can no longer believe in the battle between body and soul.

Everyday I drown my self in words and pictures of pain and anger, letting my sorrow encompass me. I know exactly what my sadness smells like and I can always recall the way she turns her self round and round beneath my ribs, looking for a place to settle.

And the way she never finds it.

I become so intent on identifying her that I neglect her twin.

I wonder what happiness would look like if I painted it? It would not be of cozy things, or bright and beautiful flowers. It would not be a hallmark world with warm winter cabins, fake smiles, and cartoon tears. I am as weary of artificial peace as I am tissue paper angst.

The deceptions we build, of never ending bliss, send me running again to the side of despair because some how it all seems more true. Because black seems more final and less fragile. Because bleeding is safe.

It makes me smile when I feel joy, because it seems so strange. And it reminds me that I forgot to remember to live and maybe stop dying for a wile. It reminds me to stop thinking “if things were this way” “If I were shorter” “if my ribs protruded just a bit more…” and instead find peace in my own smallness.

Maybe my happiness would glow the way snow does on its own. Maybe it would be the color of his eyelids just before he awakes, just before dreams leave them. The way your hand rests on my chest to make sure I am still breathing, that I am still here, that I exist.

Today my joy would be a moth, of dust and light. Silk and porcelain. Flashing in the moonlight, spinning in so many circles, falling towards the fire, with out fear and with out regret

2005-12-27T08:58:00.000-08:00

Grinshko split sole flats Performance Series

2005-12-27T08:55:00.000-08:00

New Gaynor Minden Pointes

2005-12-26T20:01:00.000-08:00

female energy

poem

2005-12-26T19:48:00.000-08:00

Dolls cracked skin at the base of every step
Of each crumbling staircase
My reflective toys

I am the daughter wasteland
Haunted houses and demons I call father
Dark talents run in the family
As I shatter the ice to let the moonlight in

I hold the moth, mend it’s wing
I am spring rain and the hurricane

It’s the nightmares that cower now
Not me
Not you

2005-12-26T19:40:00.000-08:00

ivory

2005-12-26T19:39:00.000-08:00

wet

2005-12-26T19:38:00.000-08:00

bathing

Welcome

2005-12-26T19:13:00.000-08:00

I needed a place for my art and expressions...so I came here and made this place ^^

Just before warned that some of the content may be considered and not limited to:

"adult"- artistic nudity
"disturbing"- well this is my mind after all
"triggering"- who knows...

and well probably anything else you could think of...

enjoy